Merry Christmas

From our new home to yours.

Even One Life Is Too Many

A quiet walk in the woods. Soft layer of snow on the ground. Bundled in multiple layers against the cold wind. This is one of the ways I choose to calm myself.

When life gets hectic and my anxiety starts to take it toll, I choose to go to nature if I can get away. It does such good things for me. To be able to share this, something I really enjoy.

This is a tough time of the year for many people. Loneliness. Difficult relationships. Traumatic history. The unfortunate continued stigma of mental health (even when getting the help needed).

Take a moment and check in. Whether it is you calling to check in on someone or better, you calling someone so they can check in on you (takes so much strength of character to do this). One phone call can make all the difference.

 

 

Even one life is too many to lose.

 

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. It takes just a moment. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

#twloha

 Crisis Text Line 741-741

 - a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

Playing in the Snow

I was surprised to find out last week that I would have today off from work and chose to take advantage of it. Beau and I headed up to a local small ski hill to play for a bit. The snow was a bit of a bust as only two lifts were open with short and rather boring runs, but it was snow and I got to be on my board again.

 

Beau got to play in the snow for the first time too. He was loving it! He was running all over the place. After I played in the snow for a bit I took Beau for a hike so he could play a little more. Truly living his best life!

 

And it was a nice little road trip with my boy!

A Pleasant Surprise

Just over a month after moving to Texas, a beautiful layer of snow blanketed the city for a few hours. It was quick to melt away but was a beautiful temporary site to see.

 

I still do not have any cold weather gear that matches the new OCP uniform (we had to turn in our multi-cam gear from my last deployment) so I was a little chilled. I should probably work on getting some warm layers.

Moving In

Forty-two day after my household goods got picked up, they arrived to my new home. I am so eager to get moved in so I can start to feel settled here.

OptOut A Day Late

Beau and I may have been a day late, but we opted out today. There is a state park in town that looks to have some good trails to hike. Beau and I just walked along the main road to the different trail heads to check out the trail maps. I think we will enjoy this park.

 

 

 

Happy Birthday Love!

Even One Life Is Too Many

There have been some ups and downs that go along with any move. And mine was no exception. But this time, I was smarter and chose to talk when I was getting anxious. For example, when I parted ways with rainBeau at the airport to fly back to mainland my anxiety went through the roof. Thankfully I was able to spend almost every minute while waiting for my flight on the phone, talking. I could actually feel my respiratory rate slow down.

Talking. Listening. So important.

The Holiday Season can be difficult for so many. Lots has happened this year. Lives have been changed for good and not so good. It is on each of us to ensure that we see each other tomorrow. Take the moment to check on our buddy.

 

Even one life is too many to lose.

 

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. It takes just a moment. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

#twloha

 Crisis Text Line 741-741

- a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

Moving In

Beau and I have very minimal furniture in our new home. In fact, the only furniture is a new bed. Everything else is on its way, but for now we are living it up in out empty home.

 Beau has been on guard since we moved in. Very aware of new sounds and always staying between me and the door.

 There are so many thistle things, everywhere. Poor Beau keeps getting them in his paws. My shoes easily collect some from our backyard.

Oh, and it is SO MUCH colder here!

Family Wedding

I had the privilege of watching my cousin Katherine promise herself to the love of her life before friends and family today. A beautiful location for such a great celebration of love. Selfishly, I got to see all of my siblings for a weekend. It is getting harder and harder to get all of us together.

 

The best part was that I gained a new cousin! So excited to have you as family Bess!

Travel Days

rainBeau Jangles getting ready to fly

rainBeau Jangles boarding at LAX

Snuggling into a two seater for a few moments of sleep

Excellent co-pilot

Sleepy co-pilot

Today Is The Day

rainBeau Jangles and I are leaving the island. My PCS orders have come through and today is the day we start our new journey.

 

I have liked and disliked living on island. The location was great, the egos were frustrating. After two and a half years of  a crappy job, I finally got a new one that I was able to stay in for eleven months that was actually fun in which we accomplished great things. Now it is time to move on to the next adventure.

 

rainBeau and I will miss this place and the amazing people we have met.

Farewells

I have never been good at saying goodbye, especially to those that are important to me. The past few days have included so many farewells. I have had the privilege of working with some of the best humans I have ever met during the past eleven months. They have taught me so much and graciously allowed me to learn from my mistakes.

 

Thank you to my teammates for allowing me to be your team captain. For patiently waiting for me to figure out how to best serve you. Anything I do right from here on out is because of you.



I thought I had figured them out. But they got me good on this one.

To my first line, I have learned so much from you. From mentorship, helping me correct a bad decision, or by simply leading by example. I can only hope that I am half of the leader and Officer that you are.

 

An amazing gift that I will treasure.

To my NCOIC Battle Buddy, I echo your words from 28OCT. Our personalities and leadership styles just worked. You have one of the best NCOs I have ever had the privilege to work with. Nothing that was accomplished during the past 6 months would have been possible if you were not here as my teammate. I look forward to the day in which I will get to serve with you again.



 



Passing the torch to my awesome replacement.
He will do good things!

Even One Life is Too Many

This is my final month on island. My next adventure takes me back to mainland. It has been just under three and a half years here and there have been many ups and downs.

 



There are more than twenty-two reasons why.

My high points were fun to share with those around me. I had the privilege of working with and meeting some amazing people. The beauty of the island (well, once away from all the tourist locations) is something that I will always be thankful for.

 

My downs took me to places in my head that scared even me. I was faced with some situations that really challenged me.

 

More than anything from my ups and downs, I have learned that I cannot do life alone. I am like everyone else in that people need people. As expected, this was a difficult lesson to learn but I am thankful for the relationships that developed and those that have becoming some of the most meaningful I have ever known.

 

Things can change so quickly. While we so often think we are indestructible, there is so much we cannot control. What we can do is control how we respond to our surroundings and the events that impact us. This has taken me years to gain back, but am so thankful that I have. And so thankful that I have people to vent to and confide in.

 

photo: mthieli

Even one life is too many to lose.

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. It takes just a moment. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

 #twloha

 Crisis Text Line 741-741

- a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

They Humble Me

I have been so humbled by the amazing team I have been given to lead. This amazing group of humans had been through a rough time and I was yet one more new boss.

 

My parents and community raised me to serve, so that is what I did. I chose to serve my team. My NCOIC teammate and I asked what was needed for the team to be successful and we worked tirelessly to provide whatever they needed (within reason of course).

 

My teammates completely turned around the unit. During the just the first hour of business everyday, my teammates are saving the hospital over $100,000 every month. They have decreased appointment lengths by over 30 minutes all while maintaining the highest level of patient safety.

 

As a surprise farewell today, my teammates hosted a potluck for myself and my replacement. Kind words from my teammates truly humbled me and reminded me how fortunate I was to be their team captain. I will miss them terribly and am so, so very thankful for their patience with me and the lesson they taught me.

Lazy Weekend Mornings Are The Best

Even One Life Is Too Many

Dear you,
And I have always meant, you.
Nothing would be the same if you did not exist.

You, who were once as small as bouquet,
Who could sleep in the laughs of strangers,
Nothing would be the same if you did not exist.

You, who’s voice is someone’s favorite voice,
Someone’s favorite face to wake up to,
Nothing would be the same if you did not exist.

You, the teacher,
The starters gun,
The lantern in the night who offers not a way home,
But the courage to travel farther into the dark.

- Excerpt from “Today Means Amen” by Sierra DeMulder

 

When I was at my lowest, I lost sight of this. I lost sight of the fact that I mattered. I knew I was doing good things, but I had lost sight that others could see that too. That others could see the good parts of me that I thought had been lost in the dark.

People need people. People need to be acknowledged that they exist. That there is meaning to their existence. That someone out there is listening, actively listening.

Be those people. Be the people that are willing to listen and let others know that they matter.

Even one life is too many to lose.

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. It takes just a moment. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

 #twloha

 Crisis Text Line 741-741

- a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

Been Trying Hard

Working Hard While Volunteering

Early Morning Running Buddy

He is hard to keep up with during the first half. The last quarter I can finally pull ahead.

Even One Life Is Too Many

Things I know:
 
1) People need people. But not just any people. For me it is specific people. This has taken me a long time to accept. There were so many things that I was not comfortable talking about or allowing someone else to see. But through the patience and grace of other people, I now have my safe place.

2) Geography can be difficult. To be away from those people can sometimes be really difficult. While I try to be with my people as much as possible, the logistics surround that can get in the way.

3) The state of limbo is very, VERY unpleasant. There is so much up in the air for me right now. Time lines are unknown. The lack of communication within this state of limbo is causing me to find other things to try to control (probably not exactly a bad thing to be taking control of a few other things in my life).

4) My boy makes all the difference for me. I am so grateful to have rainBeau Jangles in my life. He is constant source of unconditional love that is so tangible and present.

5) I need my people.

Even one life is too many to lose. 

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. It takes just a moment. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

 #twloha

 Crisis Text Line 741-741

- a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

What a Weekend!

Little Clara got married this weekend...and I got to be there! While living in Paradise has its perks, being so far away from so many big events has been a big bummer for me. But not this time.

 

I have known Clara since she was a baby and have gotten to watch her grow up to be a beautiful and wonderful human being. She has found her forever human and cannot wait to see where this next adventure takes her.

 

Through bribery, I was able to convince Michelle to tag along for a weekend. We had a blast!

 

 

 

All dolled up for the wedding!

 

Deer! I was so excited!

 

Watching the surfers at Cowell Beach.

Disturbing nap time.

Camp. Where so many thing changed for me.

This guy hated my drone! And would not leave it alone!

Chill hammock time in the back trails of camp.

 A great long weekend.



Carrying Around the Encouragement

 

We all cope with stress in different ways. Some methods are healthy, while others not so much.

 

My current new method of coping with stressors at work is to carry around notes or letters from friends that provide a smile at random times. Currently, this letter resides in the right shoulder pocket of my uniform. The same pocket that carries my phone. Each time I reach for my phone, I am reminded that I am loved and that I matter.

 

It is such a little tangible object, yet it means to much to me.



Happy Adoption Day!

Two years ago today, rainBeau Jangles officially became my boy. He was in Washington state at the time and would have to wait there while his blood work was cleared through Hawaii's quarantine process.

While he stayed in WA, he spent most of his time at a local board and train which ended up being an absolute blessing. rainBeau did not know what it was to respond to verbal cues from humans. He was not deaf, he just did not know what human sounds meant. The team at the board and train worked wonders for him and loved him through his learning process.

I met my boy in October of 2015. While he already had my heart, I fell even more in love with him when we first met and he immediately gave me a hug (still one of my favorite things that he does). While I was visiting, I got to work with the training staff and learn how I would be able to keep teaching my boy how to follow the commands he was learning and how to teach him new commands. I visited a few more times before the end of the year and even got to have sleep overs with him at a friend's house.

Since January of 2016, my boy has been with me in Hawaii. He has been hiking trails with me and slowly learning that moving water (creeks and the ocean) is not scary.

He has been my saving grace when I am at my low points. I look forward to going to a long walk each evening to decompress and get his energy out. I think we are doing a few miles each night and he loves it!

I adore my boy and am so thankful that he is in my life. I am so grateful to the matchmaker who helped me find him and helped make all of this happen.

Do Good Things - SGT Williams

Army Sergeant Eric Edward Williams, 27, from Murrieta, CA, was hit with indirect fire five years ago at Forward Operating Base Shank, Afghanistan. SGT Williams was a Flight Medic for the 3rd Battalion, 82nd Combat Aviation Brigade, 82nd Airborne Division based out of Fort Bragg, NC.

I had the honor of working with SGT Williams for approximately 4 months on FOB Sharana in Regional Command - East, Afghanistan. SGT Williams was an amazing medic, leader, and friend. He has influenced countless people through the lives he has saved. SGT Williams is a true example of what it means to put others before oneself. The short time I had to know SGT Williams truly changed my life for the better.

On 17JUL2012, SGT Williams posted his final blog entry. Clicking on his picture above will take you to his site. Here is the opening and closing of his final entry:

"This deployment is coming to an end, in a few days we will be on a plane back to the United States to rejoin our family and friends and to try to readjust to a certain semblance of what we think life should be. The truth is everything has changed, we collectively have changed. We have changed as people, as an army, as citizens of the United States."

"So in closing, while reading this you might think I’ve become some angry disillusioned man, someone who sees things so much different than the average citizen, well maybe your right. But I can only hope that things someday will change. As for our accomplishments here in Afghanistan, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I will forever hold these experiences close. "

Do Good Things

Even One Life Is Too Many

To be honest, posting on the twenty-second of each month is not for you. It is selfishly for me. Originally this was for you, to ask you to check in with each other and ensure that we all get to see each other tomorrow. But honestly, this is no longer for you.

Posting each month on a consistent schedule has further helped to create routine for me. Posting each month allows me to remember that I have people who I can turn to when things are not going well for me. Posting each month reminds me to continue to check in with others.

While I am so very rarely on most forms of social media, when checking my Facebook page two weeks ago I read a note that made so many things worth it. A simple note from a friend who shared that when helping someone going through a rough time, they had remembered the contact information at the close of these notes for the Crisis Text Line and shared this information with their friend.

In the blink of an eye, your entire world can change for good or for bad. To have someone or something to lean on when things are not going well can truly be the difference in allowing someone to see their tomorrow. I have found that safe place where I can go. I hope that in reminding myself each month that I want to see tomorrow, that I can encourage you to help others see theirs.

Even one life is too many to lose. 

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. It takes just a moment. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

#twloha

 Crisis Text Line 741-741

- a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

Volunteering

One of the best things that I can do for myself especially when it feels as though I am disconnecting is to volunteer.


For the past year I have had the opportunity to volunteer as a camp nurse with the Girl Scouts of Hawaii on Oahu. It is so much fun! There is often a pretty significant age range of the campers which can create some fun challenges for me but I truly enjoy watching the older Scouts help out the Brownies and Daisies through the different activities.


This weekend is the STEM camp and I cannot wait to see all that the program team has in store for the girls!

Congratulations Frederick and Rachel

I got to capture the first self portrait of the newlyweds along with my siblings (sans Megan). It was such a fun wedding and a really fun reception.

Even better was getting to catch up with family that I do not get to see very often.

Where I Now Choose to Be

I know that it is not the twenty-second of the month, but I want to tell you a little more of my story.

Like so many others, I changed a lot after my last deployment. Things I had seen and done really affected me both for good and bad. It was the bad that I really struggled with. I did not know how to talk about it so I shut down. Therapy and medication did great things for me but there was still something always missing.

A little over a year after returning home I started volunteering at a local non-profit in WA. I had no specific job there, just to show up and complete whatever task(s) I was assigned. Since I was working shift work I was able to spend more time volunteering than most others with a full time job. And because my Dad had taught me the basics of how to look at things and figure out how to fix them I was teamed up with another volunteer who was there each morning.

Michelle quickly became "my boss" and taught me the ins and outs of the farm. Soon we were tackling much larger projects then I think the Directors had originally anticipated us to. As we kept going, our ability to get things done and well became my happy place. When things were not right in my head, it was to the farm I would choose to go.

While I would go to the farm for my happy place, I was still very much kept who I was or how I was feeling shut down from everyone. Some how, Michelle was able to see through it. She saw not only who I was but who I so desperately wanted to be again. She patiently waited for me to catch up on how important our friendship had become.

Today, having moved away from WA, I have two new safe and happy places. One in my boy rainBeau Jangles and the other in my friendship with Michelle. Through this friendship I have started talking again and sharing my story. I have been able to experience emotions again that I had compartmentalized and locked away. This friendship has taught me what it is to be happy again.

Again, I know that today is not the twenty-second, but I do not want to wait to talk about this. People need people. I am proof that while we can do things on our own for period of time, we cannot continue to do so without negative consequences and poor decisions.

I now choose to experience emotion. I now choose to talk it out when I am hurting and share my happy moments. I now choose to see tomorrow and not just for someone else. I now choose to see tomorrow because I have something to lose.

If you are struggling or you feel lost, please know that it does get better. Have I found my exact path? Nope. Have I found people who are walking alongside me as I learn who I am? Yes. And it is because of me finally accepting that I need people that I can share my story at all.

I will see you tomorrow. 

Kappa Kappa Your Mama!

Each year, my college roommates and I have tried to get together and hangout. Many of these events I have had to miss due to my chosen employer. But this year, I got to be there too!

We met up in Tahoe for a few days for some fun! We caught up on each other's lives, ate great food, played in the snow, and played in the water. Such a great trip!

Fourth of July

So great to get to spend time with family and friends!

I will never tire of this view.

My face is still hidden in plain site after all these years!