Nothing Better

Buddy Check 22

Every day, an average of twenty-two veterans and active duty service members take their own lives.

That is twenty-two too many.

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the twenty-second of every month to call and check your battle buddy. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

There was a time this past year that I was pretty unhappy. Actually it started in 2014 and hit its worst in October of that year. I had started to make some poor decisions in my daily life trying to avoid the hurt and all too often emotional numbness. I finally realized that I needed help and was forced to make better choices. Admitting to myself that I needed help was frustrating, disappointing. The irrational thought of inconveniencing or burdening someone with what was going on at the time was enough to keep me from asking for help from friends or family.

Since October 2014 there have been highs, lows, and emotional numbness. But I am still here.

There are times I feel like a hypocrite for encouraging others to talk when they are hurting while I have yet to be able to open up. As always, it takes time.

 

 

 

When you begin to be honest with someone, in writing or simply in conversation, the honesty becomes contagious. When we tell our story and the stories that matter to us, it invites other people to do the same.

- Jamie Tworkowski

#twloha

#buddycheck22

 

Crisis Text Line 741-741

 - a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

2015 Billabong Pipe Masters

Had a great morning hanging out with Brittany at Ekuhai Beach Park watching some amazing surfing on the Banzai Pipeline.

 

More PNW Shenanigans

Hiding my face on the underside of new bathroom fixtures.

 Beautiful break in the almost constant rainy weather. (Oh, and we may have "stocked" the pond with gold fish.)

Always magical and amazing watching friends in their role as a parent.

With all this rain, better be ready for the flood.

rainBeau Jangles

Bugging The Teammates

The kind of picture that you send your friend who is rooting for the other team on game day.

Beach Day

A great day at the beach reading and hanging out with friends. So thankful for any season other than summer in Hawaii.

Talented Family with Beautiful Hearts

 

In case you did not already know, I have some extremely talented family who have amazing hearts.

 

Mowgli

Mowgli came to stay for a few days while his moms went back to mainland. We had a blast playing at the beach and walking around the neighborhood. I love it when he comes to hangout!

Happy Thanksgiving

A great evening of delicious food and conversation with friends!

Buddy Check 22

The twenty-second of the month is here. It is a day every month that reminds me that I am not alone, there are others that have struggled and continue to. As a friendly ghost once reached out to buddy check me three years ago, today is a day that I chose to ensure someone I care about will be here tomorrow.

Every day, an average of twenty-two veterans and active duty service members take their own lives.

That is twenty-two too many.

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the twenty-second of every month to call and check your battle buddy. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

 

 

When I came home last time, I returned to a work environment that did not mentally or academically challenge me. I quickly became bored in many aspects of my life that led to additional problems making life increasingly difficult. In casual conversation, my Company Commander mentioned that she was in grad school part-time. As work had become a place of boredom and frustration, I decided to give grad school a try.

I have taken my time with the program I chose. I probably could be done with it by now had I not taken intermittent time off. But I am glad I did. The course work itself is not difficult, but the idea of completing this degree simply because "I want to" has made this worth it. 

 

Having deadlines that have nothing to do with my work environment helped me maintain a form of structure and order in my life. Something I desperately needed. While at times grad school has been tedious, it has been one of the best decisions I have made. Graduate school has been a form of my own personal buddy check.

 

 

#twloha

#buddycheck22

 

 

Crisis Text Line 741-741

 - a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice



Sunrise Atop Koko Head

 

Makapu'u Light House

 With my favorite four-legged girl on island.

 And Skeletor flew by.

The Eleventh

In the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month, I thank you for the example you have set for me to follow.

Long Week

Mom and Dad were here!

Spent most of the time my parents were here at work in the hospital.

New goal in life.

Enjoyed hiking with Skeletor.

 

Following the Leader, the Leader, the Leader

Sloshing through the mud at the ruins of the summer palace.

Talking is Difficult

Joking is easy. Talking is difficult. This is nothing new for me, but the struggle remains. To share the broken, hurt pieces of me feels as though someone could see right through to the core of my vulnerabilities. The feeling of terror at the thought of someone learning of my vulnerabilities and once again using them against me has fortified my walls. Without these walls, the fear of feeling naked and exposed or unsafe may be felt again. Feelings that do not need to be re-experienced.

People say they are willing to listen. It is a dream to someday trust myself enough to be able to believe them. Please understand that there may not be requests for help as the irrational thought of inconveniencing someone else is often too much to overcome. Be patient, but please do not fail the buddy check of those you care about.

 

No, this is not a cry for help.

Happy Halloween

When Supergirl shows up at work.

 

 

 

And when Supergirl can't make it work.

 

To Those Who Have Battled

Thank you for being such wonderful and courageous examples in my life.

Pu'u O Hulu Pillbox Hike

Buddy Check 22

Every day, an average of twenty-two veterans and active duty service members take their own lives.

That is twenty-two too many.

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

I have had my good days, okay days, and bad days. I have had medication changes that threw me for a loop. I have locked myself away hoping that things would no longer be. There were times in which I had plans; times I was afraid I would carry out my plans.

But everyday, when I wake up, I try to make a conscious decision to do something that makes that day worth it. Today I enjoyed the beauty of where I live and hiked a pillbox.

 

 

#twloha

#buddycheck22

 

 

Crisis Text Line 741-741

 - a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice



My Skeletons

The things that have caused me the most hurt and have led me to shut out those that I care about and who care about me I call 'my skeletons'. It is these skeletons in my closet that I am terrified someone will discover and see who I really am. If someone were to truly see me, my true weaknesses and vulnerabilities or learn of the decisions that I have made, could I still not be judged? Could I still be loved?

 

I know everyone will say "yes, of course you will still be loved." But after everything I have seen and done, I do not easily trust words. I have learned to trust actions.

Motorboating and Dinner with Friends

 

 

PNW Shenanigans

Yup, my face is now on the sign.

Four-Legged Friends of the PNW

Tearing Down the Deck

Up Early to Catch the Sunrise

 I always knew I was an angel, but my halo this morning proves it!

 Hanging out with my battle buddy Dan, from work and my first deployment.