Even One Life is Too Many





I work in a very different world than so many of my friends and family. It is a world where I am surrounded by the best and worst days of complete strangers. I share my time between the adult and pediatric intensive care units. I am part of an amazing team of physicians, respiratory therapists, pharmacists, physical and occupational therapists, nurses, dietitians, housekeepers, and maintenance team members (just to name a few). I am one small brushstroke in the masterpiece that is patient care in my current facility.

I believe it to be a privilege to be present and provide care for the patient and their family during difficult times and decisions. I can only imagine that some of the hardest decisions made for family members is done at the bedside of their loved one.

The uncomfortable conversations with family members and those we love are so important. Have those conversations.

And today especially, it is a day to remember to check in on our friends and family. Life can take an unexpected turn at any moment.

 

 Even one life is too many to lose.

 While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. It takes just a moment. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

 

 #twloha

 

 Crisis Text Line 741-741

 - a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

World Suicide Prevention Day 2016

Today is world suicide prevention day. It was started by the WHO and the International Association for Suicide Prevention in 2003. It is honored/celebrated on the tenth of September every year.

 

Today is a day set aside not only to look at ourselves but to take time and look at those around us. Suicidal thoughts and/or feelings are not always obvious. Many people hide their hurt and their intentions until it is too late. People who die by suicide are frequently experiencing undiagnosed or untreated depression.

Here are some facts:

-          An estimated 2-15 % of persons who have been diagnosed with major depression die by suicide.

-          An estimated 3-20% of persons who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder die by suicide.

-          Also at high risk are individuals who suffer from depression at the same time as another mental illness. Specifically, the presence of substance abuse, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder put those with depression at greater risk for suicide.

http://depts.washington.edu/mhreport/facts_suicide.php

 

I do not really journal, but I do occasionally write out what I am feeling. Lately it has been in letter format to a friend who started writing me funny notes two years ago that has turned into serious and honest dialogue. The following is something I wrote a while ago that did not make it into a letter. I don’t know why it did not make it into a letter (maybe because my friend already knows these things about me) but today I have decided to share it with whoever is reading this. I am sharing this to say that I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (and have been really struggling with both lately) and I want you to know that if you are feeling down that you are not alone. There are others like you who are struggling. But I still wake up every day and take my dog for a walk before heading off to work to care for the most fragile of human life.

 

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In my professional world, I take pride in honesty, integrity, and transparency. I do not believe in hiding failures as I believe acknowledging them is how we learn and grow. I believe in honoring the “good catches” so we can prevent the near misses in the future. I believe in publicly celebrating successes and giving credit to anyone and everyone who could have possibly participated. I look for that in my leadership and those I have the privilege of working with. Am I always good at this? Nope. Is it something I still work towards? Yup.

 

Transparency is not something I participate in in my personal life. To share or expose my weaknesses causes me more fear and anxiety than anything I have ever experienced. Fear of failing someone or something I care about has emotionally and mentally paralyzed me. To fail someone I care about…it is a fear and an emotion I cannot even find words to describe.

 

Those that know me, truly (try to) know me, know that there are walls upon walls to scale before getting anywhere near the true me. I have barricaded myself away from the real world for years. And while it may hurt/frustrate those who know me, it is killing me.
 

I am slowly dying inside. The emotional pain, fear of honest conversation, and self-inflicted isolation are brutal.

 

I cannot tell you why. I do not understand it myself. Things are rough right now.

 

Be patient, because there is nothing to do.

 

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Crisis Text Line 741-741

 - a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice

 

A Surprise Delivery

Got these in the mail today. Almost 300 customized pens. I cannot wait to share these at work. They will quickly become collectibles.

Alex Found His Better Half

My cousin Alex found his better half and she is amazing! It was a quick trip from Oahu to Charlotte, NC but totally worth it. A beautiful wedding and celebration with family and friends. I am excited to have new cousins!