Where I Now Choose to Be

I know that it is not the twenty-second of the month, but I want to tell you a little more of my story.

Like so many others, I changed a lot after my last deployment. Things I had seen and done really affected me both for good and bad. It was the bad that I really struggled with. I did not know how to talk about it so I shut down. Therapy and medication did great things for me but there was still something always missing.

A little over a year after returning home I started volunteering at a local non-profit in WA. I had no specific job there, just to show up and complete whatever task(s) I was assigned. Since I was working shift work I was able to spend more time volunteering than most others with a full time job. And because my Dad had taught me the basics of how to look at things and figure out how to fix them I was teamed up with another volunteer who was there each morning.

Michelle quickly became "my boss" and taught me the ins and outs of the farm. Soon we were tackling much larger projects then I think the Directors had originally anticipated us to. As we kept going, our ability to get things done and well became my happy place. When things were not right in my head, it was to the farm I would choose to go.

While I would go to the farm for my happy place, I was still very much kept who I was or how I was feeling shut down from everyone. Some how, Michelle was able to see through it. She saw not only who I was but who I so desperately wanted to be again. She patiently waited for me to catch up on how important our friendship had become.

Today, having moved away from WA, I have two new safe and happy places. One in my boy rainBeau Jangles and the other in my friendship with Michelle. Through this friendship I have started talking again and sharing my story. I have been able to experience emotions again that I had compartmentalized and locked away. This friendship has taught me what it is to be happy again.

Again, I know that today is not the twenty-second, but I do not want to wait to talk about this. People need people. I am proof that while we can do things on our own for period of time, we cannot continue to do so without negative consequences and poor decisions.

I now choose to experience emotion. I now choose to talk it out when I am hurting and share my happy moments. I now choose to see tomorrow and not just for someone else. I now choose to see tomorrow because I have something to lose.

If you are struggling or you feel lost, please know that it does get better. Have I found my exact path? Nope. Have I found people who are walking alongside me as I learn who I am? Yes. And it is because of me finally accepting that I need people that I can share my story at all.

I will see you tomorrow.