In Review

I started this year deployed to Afghanistan working as a Critical Care Nurse in Regional Command- South. The previous 6 months were spent working with an Army DUSTOFF unit in Regional Command - East. There are some amazing friendships that came from this deployment. There are some experiences and memories that have and will continue to shape who I am and will be.

 

I saw a lot. I heard a lot. I did a lot. I endured a lot.

 

At the close of my deployment, I was ready to get home. I was ready to begin the recovery phase of deployment. I was wanting to start the healing process.

 

I thought I was strong enough. I was not.

 

My 30-day leave was voluntarily cut short. I was still hurting, still felt lost. I arrived home to WA to a Leadership that was scared for me and afraid they did not know what to do. It was a learning experience for us both.

 

Holidays were spent with family, the people that no matter what happens will continue to love me and support me as I work to get my feet back on solid ground.

 

Now I sit in my own apartment. First time in over 18 months that I have been on my own. It is so quiet. The lack of sound is something that I am sure I will grow accustomed to, but for now it is strange.

 

2012 has been a challenge. A challenge that would not want to have missed out on, but one I wish could have been a little easier.

 

My hope for 2013 is that I continue to heal and learn from my experiences. I hope that this year is easier and safer. I hope that I can sit here again next year and tell you happier stories.

 

To my family and friends that have loved me unconditionally,

I am forever grateful for your presence in my life. The encouraging emails, text messages, phone calls, and visits have been what has kept me grounded. Thank you for never leaving me. Thank you holding me up when I was too weak to carry on.

 

 

Sergeant Eric E Williams

July 23, 2012

"do good things"



Family Christmas Dinner

A big family Christmas dinner this year. New family members joined us at the table (okay, three tables). Of course the potluck meal was AMAZING!!!

 

Opening presents was a lot of fun. Our secret Santa names were drawn at Thanksgiving giving us time to create gifts for each other. When I say "create", there are times when the gift is homemade. Most often the gift is a fun and meaningful individualized present that brings lots of smiles to everyone in the room.

 

Mackenzie was ready for her favorite part of the meal, deviled eggs! Thankfully she was willing to share with the rest of us.

Swedish Christmas Eve

Holiday meals with family are always something to look forward to. First, getting to spend time with family and swapping stories of our busy lives during the past few months. Missing Christmas Eve with my family last year made this one even more special. And second, I love our family's holiday food!!

Back to Work

I was called into my Boss's Boss's Boss's office today. (Tracking?) My world remains in constant state of change. Every 30-45 days I have been placed in a new job assignment, each supposed to help me in my difficulty adjusting to being away from the deployed world.

 

New plan is to return me to patient care. I will no longer be working for the same Rater and will be moved to the other ICU within MAMC.

 

Mixed feelings. Glad to be under a different Rater, but disappointed to not get to work with some of the people that have been supporting me through this.

Where I Am Today

I don't understand this place anymore. There is a new challenge, an unknown challenge. The unknown keeps you ready, keeps your senses keen.

 

It seems I’ve grown accustomed to working within a combat oriented doctrine. And although there are a few that I work with that have experienced similar circumstances, there is something to be said for being deployed away from MEDCOM leaders and being with fellow soldiers. There’s a connection there that is unparalleled by anything that I have experienced so far. But now I’m no longer working with the "real" Army, so it makes sense that everything has changed. There are so many people that I work with that I truly like and get along with but there’s a different atmosphere that I had grown accustomed to and have not yet adjusted to hospital life. I don't know that I am meant to stay a "hospital" nurse. I’m meant to be out there, doing my job when its truly needed. I will take what I am learning here and become a better soldier and nurse. That’s all that I can do.

 

 

*It rocked everything inside you...and there was nothing but silence. Only the sound of the ringing in your ears was heard. And the ringing goes on and on... We carry the scars of our experiences with us for the rest of our lives, it is forever a part of us.

Honoring the California Fallen

Navy Special Warfare Operator First Class Kevin R. Ebbert, 32, of Arcata, CA, was assigned to an East Coast-based Naval Special Warfare unit in Virginia Beach, VA. Ebbert died in Uruzgan Province, Afghanistan, while supporting stability operations.

Thanksgiving with Family

Spent T-Day with my family in Mission Springs. Always fun to torture, I mean PLAY, with the younger cousins.

Drive from WA to CA

My long-time MS/FR friend Kim flew up to WA just to jump in my truck and drive back down to the SF Bay Area. Along the way she introduced me to Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland.

 It is safe to say that the sugar-high we were suffering from helped us drive through the night and arrive safely at our destinations!

I think Kim was away from home for less than 24 hours...but time well worth it!

An Amazing Wedding of Two Amazing People

A royal entrance!

Happy dancing!

At Last

Spending the weekend celebrating Danielle and Thad's wedding!!!

 

I met Danielle while in AFG.

A true life saver!

She is the one person that can see through every aspect of the strong front that I put up.

She is the one person I have never been able to hide from.

And for that I am forever greatful!

During the eleventh month,

On the eleventh day,

At the eleventh hour,

I salute you.

Man is like a breath;

his days are like a fleeting shadow.

Honoring the California Fallen

Army Staff Sergeant Kenneth W. Bennett, 26, of Glendora, CA, was assigned to 3rd Ordnance Battalion (EOD), Joint Base Lewis-McChord, WA. SSG Bennett died in Spearwan Ghar, Afghanistan, from injuries caused by an improvised explosive device.

Honoring the California Fallen

Army Specialist. Daniel L. Carlson, 21, of Running Springs, CA, was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 25th Aviation Regiment, 25th Combat Aviation Brigade, 25th Infantry Division, Wheeler Army Airfield, HI. SPC Carlson died in Kandahar province, Afghanistan of unspecified causes.

Joshua Casey

Hey Joshua Casey!!!

You sure are a handsome little guy!!!

Sam and Amy Brown

This couple is freaking awesome!

I am beyond lucky to have them in my life!

A Great Man

David Olson
Dec. 19, 1919- Oct. 31, 2012

Dave Olson was born in Oakland on December 19, 1919 to Swedish immigrants Hjalmar and Ellen Olson. He had a sister Evelyn Johnson (deceased), and a brother Stanley Olson of Castro Valley. He lived and was educated in Oakland. At the age of 17, he met his future wife, Renie Lindquist. They celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary this year.
Dave joined the Army in 1942 and served in Europe and Japan for four years. His most memorable moment was when his unit liberated a women's concentration camp in Poland.
Dave and Renie had four children: Dave Olson, Kris Olson Bruerton, Sam Olson, and Tracy Olson Young, eight grandchildren; Dylan, Cassidy, Sonnet, Zack, Sammy, Kristian (deceased), Kysa, Clara, and nine great-grandchildren.
For 25 years he worked in the family meat market business, followed by eight years in the sales and marketing of building materials. He ended his working career as Director of Mission Springs Conference Grounds. Dave retired in 1981.
During this last phase of his life he lived in Scotts Valley and became involved in the Swedish-American Society, Community Covenant Church and the Santa Cruz Woodcarvers Group. In these groups Dave made many close friends.
Dave and his wife Renie resided in their family home until his death on October 31, 2012.

Black Cat Run

I did my first 5-miler today. And let's be honest, I am not a runner so this is a pretty big thing for me.

 

 

I ran with Pepper, the black lab I am living with.

 

And we had true Pacific Northwest weather, it rained the whole time!

Honoring the California Fallen

Army Sergeant Clinton K. Ruiz, 22, of Murrieta, CA, was assigned to the 9th Military Information Support BN, 8th Military Information Support Group, Fort Bragg, NC. SGT Ruiz died of wounds suffered when his unit was attacked by small arms fire in Khas Uruzgan, Oruzgan Province, Afghanistan.

What a Difference...

What a difference a year in Afghanistan can make.

The picture on the left was taken 10 days before I deployed to AFG.

The picture on the right was taken just the other day.

And yes, I did have to purchase an entirely new wardrobe when I returned since NOTHING fit me anymore...

Tant Que Je Puis

They gave their tomorrow so that I could have today.

I will push to surpass the limit of my abilities.

I will push beyond my limits in their honor.

Honoring the Fallen

Where I Am

Work is still really difficult. It has been almost 4 full months since I came home and I still have not been allowed to rejoin my team. For the past 5 weeks I felt like I had been placed in an out of sight and out of mind job.  I want and need to be a part of a team and not be forced into solitude.

 

I knew that almost every aspect of my reintegration was going to be difficult. I just don't think I expected things to be this difficult.

 

All I want is to understand what is going on in my head so I can learn to adapt to it. Everyone has said that this is going to take time. But my job has taken "time" away from me. The rules of the game had changed, it took me a while to catch on, but now I know. And I am now ready to play.

This kid is back. Not back to who I was, but back on the road that is going to help me find my new normal. I will get through this. I have no choice.

 

Let the battle begin!

Honoring the California Fallen

Army Sergeant Thomas R. MacPherson, 26, of Long Beach, CA, was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment, U.S. Army Special Operations Command, Joint Base Lewis-McChord, WA. SGT MacPherson died in Andar district, Afghanistan, of wounds caused by small-arms fire.

Fear Changing Into The Best Part of My Day

When I first came home it was very difficult for me to be around young children. Even hearing them cry or giggle would cause anxiety attacks. For 12 months all I wanted was for my pediatric patients to be able to cry. All but one of the children I flew were intubated (using a breathing tube) and were sedated. They are growing up in a world that our children will never really know. A simple walk down the street could lead to stepping on a roadside bomb or a stray bullet. Going to the market with their family could mean a vehicle-borne improvised explosive device. Their world could change to quickly, within the blink of an eye.

 

On September 12th, the Los family finally became a family of three. Kelsea Quinn is the most precious being I have ever met. I got to meet Kelsea on her birthday. A tiny little bundle of perfection. But I couldn't hold her. I had a hard time when she cried or even whimpered. It took two weeks before I could hold her. It was a strange feeling, not bad, just strange.

October 4th was a rough day at work for me. Unfortunately, rough work days had started to become my norm since early September. But this day was particularly rough. I went over to the Los homestead to talk with Penny (a fellow Army Nurse) and get some advice. While there I spent some time holding baby Kelsea. I don't really understand how, but the simple act of holding her and feeding her helped me change my thought process. I had been holding on to my past as if it were truth. The lies I had been told I had been treating like fact. Kelsea made me realize that I need to live in the present and the future. While the past is important to learn from, I can't hold on to it like I have been. There was a massive increase in my confidence within days.

Kelsea brought me back to the present. She helped me take that first big step that I needed. 



Now I get to spend a lot of my evenings with baby Kelsea. I really enjoy getting to hang out with Penny and talk about random whatevers and joke around. I like getting to give Penny a little break too. Such a rough life to have to spend my evenings with good conversation and holding this little angel!

FEVER 11

Click the picture to see another blogger's glimpse of FEVER.

This is the Air Force unit I was with for my final 6 months in Afghanistan.

Honoring the California Fallen

Marine Sergeant Camella M. Steedley, 31, of San Diego, CA, was assigned to Combat Logistics Regiment 17, 1st Marine Logistics Group, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Pendleton, CA. Sgt Steedley died while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan.

Summer Evening Treat

The best dessert? S'mores and stories around the firepit.

The End of the Season

The blackeberries are becoming scarce as there are just a few sunny evenings left for me to enjoy with Pepper. Our evening walks have become one of the favorite parts of my day.

Appreciating the Mornings

There are days that getting out of bed seems like an impossible task. Days I absolutely do not want to go to work. This is new a new experience for me.

This week's goal: trying to find an image of beauty each day. There has to be something amazing out there each day. I might not share it with you, but know that I am looking for it.

Today, it was standing at the edge of the harbor with my friend Rachel looking out over the boats before heading off to church.

9/11 Heroes 5k

(click the pic for an article on the run)

A good friend and colleague MAJ Rachel Park came up to Seattle from El Paso for the weekend. She is someone who knew me from before my multiple deployments. She remembers me from when I was a rockstar at my job. It was nice to get to spend time with someone that knows who I really am since I feel like I have lost that after this past year.

While she was here we ran the 9/11 Heroes 5k up in Mercer Island on Saturday. Just saying, my morning trips to the gym 5-days a week are paying off.... (click the image to get more info)

Happy Birthday!!!

Welcome to the world Kelsea Quinn. All 7 pounds and 10 ounces!

I cannot wait to see all the adventures that these little perfect feet are going to take you on...

One Year Ago Today

Nearly 80 NATO troops wounded in attack in Afghanistan
By Ernesto Londono, The Washington Post Sunday, September 11, 5:51 PM

KABUL — Two Afghan civilians were killed and nearly 80 NATO soldiers were wounded after a truck packed with explosives hidden under firewood rammed into the entrance of a military base in eastern Afghanistan, military officials said Sunday.

The Taliban took responsibility for the attack. In a statement on the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on the United States, the militant group said Afghans became the biggest victims of response to the attacks.

“It will remain a permanent stigma on the face of Western democracy that America and her allies martyred tens of thousands of Muslims under the pretext of this ambiguous and murky event,” the statement said.

The bombing in Wardak Province happened at 5:30 p.m. Saturday, amid heightened alert in Afghanistan over the possibility that extremists would use the anniversary to launch spectacular attacks.

NATO said in a statement Sunday that the explosion damaged the perimeter wall ringing the base and a maintenance facility, but protective barriers around the site “absorbed most of the explosion.” NATO officials said 25 Afghans and 77 foreign soldiers had been treated for “non-life threatening injuries.” The base that came under attack is controlled by U.S. troops.

The attack was carried out in the same province where 30 NATO troops were killed last month when the Chinook transport helicopter they were traveling in was shot down with a rocket-propelled grenade.

Meanwhile, the U.S. Embassy in Kabul held a commemoration ceremony for the victims of the Sept. 11 attacks early Sunday.

“What happened here in Afghanistan and in the United States 10 years ago has joined our two nations forever in a common cause,” Ambassador Ryan Crocker told attendees, according to a summary of his remarks provided by the embassy. “Afghan soil must never again be used by elements that would use terror to attack the people of America, Afghanistan and the international community.”

Special correspondent Sayed Salahuddin contributed to this report.

 

- - - - - - - - - - -

 

I watched all this happen. It was my day to be the OIC of Operations. As I monitored different sources of intellegence, I saw the initial 9-line MEDEVAC request for this event. Then, not yet knowing what had happened, I watched the number of patients grow exponentially. None of us had ever seen an event of this size. US Military aircraft and medical teams were launched from all over Afghanistan to respond.

 

I sat painfully behind a desk awaiting mission authority to launch our crews. Mission authority was never given. Our MEDEVAC unit was one of the few units left in the entire region that was still eligible to fly after this event. Already on alert, our teams were ready for whatever else might come.

Stevenson, WA

 

Hello Burdines!!!!

Still Growing

During this last year I did things that I never new I could. I saw things that I never want to see again. I had only my knowledge and my gut instinct to rely on. I saw the worst of humanity for a solid 12 months. 

 

While I may not have been the one pulling the trigger, I have forever been changed by the things I have done and saw.

 

I have a lot of recovery ahead of me. There is a lot for me to learn...about what happened, about my anger, rediscovering who I am, about coping. This process has started. It is slow, but it has started.

When I first returned home, my leadership was very patient with me and demonstrated that they understood that I came home changed. I feel like this has changed. I can't really put my finger on it yet, but something is going on...

 

I don't feel like I am part of the team. But after Friday afternoon's conversation, I think there might a light at the end of the tunnel (and this time it might not be the oncoming train that keeps hitting me).

 

I don't believe I will be able to return to who I was before this past year. But I believe that the person that I am learning to be will be even better. Before this past deployment, I was leaving behind small footprints. My goal is to take what I am learning and use it to help fellow Army Nurse Corp Officers. I am going to be leaving behind bigger footprints. I am going to get better and I am going to make a difference!

Rodeo

I could not believe that Brooke had never been to a rodeo. Growing around horses I just assumed she had been to one. Well, yesterday and today there was a small town rodeo not far from where we live. I think my favorite part was watching the 8-year-old ride the mini bull. Oh, and he RETIRED from sheep at the age of 7...

Looks like she had a good time!

Tearing It Down!

 

 

I can be rather dangerous with free time. Good thing they wanted this old playset torn down... Surprisingly easy to tear down and tear apart. And now, plenty of firewood!!! More S'Mores at the firepit for me!!!

The New Firepit

We took full advnatage of our new firepit tonight. Hot dogs and S'mores? What else is there on an awesome summer night?!?

Happy Birthday Brooke!

 

We got to celebrate Brooke's 17th birthday today! I missed her sweet sixteen last year, so I made up for it with balloons and silly hats. We wore the hats to dinner to match her "Birthday Princess" sash.

Even her dog Sunny got in on the action!

Honoring the California Fallen

---

Army Chief Warrant Officer 2 Suresh N.A Krause, 29, of Cathedral City, CA, was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 25th Aviation Regiment, 25th Combat Aviation Brigade, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, HI. CW2 Krause died in a Black Hawk helicopter crash northeast of Kandahar, Afghanistan.

---

---

 
Army Sergeant Richard A. Essex, 23, of Kelseyville, CA, was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 25th Aviation Regiment, 25th Combat Aviation Brigade, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, HI. SGT Essex died in a Black Hawk helicopter crash northeast of Kandahar, Afghanistan.

Time to Wake Up

Helping Jack slowly wake up from his 3-hour nap. Oh, and I don't get home from work until about 5 or 6 pm. Yup, he needed to get up or his poor parents weren't going to get any sleep that night.

 

See, I could be a good babysitter...

Honoring the California Fallen

Marine Staff Sergeant Scott E. Dickinson, 29, of San Diego, CA, was assigned to Headquarters Company, 3rd Marines, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Kaneohe Bay, HI. SSgt Dickinson was attached to 3rd Battalion, 8th Marines, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, NC while deployed. SSgt Dickinson died in Garmsir, Afghanistan, after being shot by an Afghan civilian.

 

Marine Captian Matthew P. Manoukain, 29, of Los Altos Hills, CA, was assigned to 1st Marine Special Operations Battalion, Camp Pendleton, CA. Capt Manoukain died in Sangin district, Afghanistan, after being shot by an Afghan policeman.

Marine Staff Sergeant Sky R. Mote, 27, of El Dorado, CA, was assigned to 1st Marine Special Operations Battalion, Camp Pendleton, CA. SSgt Mote died in Sangin district, Afghanistan., after being shot by an Afghan policeman.

Marine Corporal Richarrd A. Rivera, 20, of Ventura, CA, was assigned to Headquarters Company, 3rd Marines, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Kaneohe Bay, HI. Cpl Rivera was attached to 3rd Battalion, 8th Marines, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, NC while deployed. Cpl Rivera died in Garmsir, Afghanistan, after being shot by an Afghan civilian.

The Best Therapist Ever!!!

He listens.

He cuddles.

He just wants to love me.

 

Thanks Pepper!