During this last year I did things that I never new I could. I saw things that I never want to see again. I had only my knowledge and my gut instinct to rely on. I saw the worst of humanity for a solid 12 months.
While I may not have been the one pulling the trigger, I have forever been changed by the things I have done and saw.
I have a lot of recovery ahead of me. There is a lot for me to learn...about what happened, about my anger, rediscovering who I am, about coping. This process has started. It is slow, but it has started.
When I first returned home, my leadership was very patient with me and demonstrated that they understood that I came home changed. I feel like this has changed. I can't really put my finger on it yet, but something is going on...
I don't feel like I am part of the team. But after Friday afternoon's conversation, I think there might a light at the end of the tunnel (and this time it might not be the oncoming train that keeps hitting me).
I don't believe I will be able to return to who I was before this past year. But I believe that the person that I am learning to be will be even better. Before this past deployment, I was leaving behind small footprints. My goal is to take what I am learning and use it to help fellow Army Nurse Corp Officers. I am going to be leaving behind bigger footprints. I am going to get better and I am going to make a difference!
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