Fear Changing Into The Best Part of My Day

When I first came home it was very difficult for me to be around young children. Even hearing them cry or giggle would cause anxiety attacks. For 12 months all I wanted was for my pediatric patients to be able to cry. All but one of the children I flew were intubated (using a breathing tube) and were sedated. They are growing up in a world that our children will never really know. A simple walk down the street could lead to stepping on a roadside bomb or a stray bullet. Going to the market with their family could mean a vehicle-borne improvised explosive device. Their world could change to quickly, within the blink of an eye.

 

On September 12th, the Los family finally became a family of three. Kelsea Quinn is the most precious being I have ever met. I got to meet Kelsea on her birthday. A tiny little bundle of perfection. But I couldn't hold her. I had a hard time when she cried or even whimpered. It took two weeks before I could hold her. It was a strange feeling, not bad, just strange.

October 4th was a rough day at work for me. Unfortunately, rough work days had started to become my norm since early September. But this day was particularly rough. I went over to the Los homestead to talk with Penny (a fellow Army Nurse) and get some advice. While there I spent some time holding baby Kelsea. I don't really understand how, but the simple act of holding her and feeding her helped me change my thought process. I had been holding on to my past as if it were truth. The lies I had been told I had been treating like fact. Kelsea made me realize that I need to live in the present and the future. While the past is important to learn from, I can't hold on to it like I have been. There was a massive increase in my confidence within days.

Kelsea brought me back to the present. She helped me take that first big step that I needed. 



Now I get to spend a lot of my evenings with baby Kelsea. I really enjoy getting to hang out with Penny and talk about random whatevers and joke around. I like getting to give Penny a little break too. Such a rough life to have to spend my evenings with good conversation and holding this little angel!