World Suicide Prevention Day 2016

Today is world suicide prevention day. It was started by the WHO and the International Association for Suicide Prevention in 2003. It is honored/celebrated on the tenth of September every year.

 

Today is a day set aside not only to look at ourselves but to take time and look at those around us. Suicidal thoughts and/or feelings are not always obvious. Many people hide their hurt and their intentions until it is too late. People who die by suicide are frequently experiencing undiagnosed or untreated depression.

Here are some facts:

-          An estimated 2-15 % of persons who have been diagnosed with major depression die by suicide.

-          An estimated 3-20% of persons who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder die by suicide.

-          Also at high risk are individuals who suffer from depression at the same time as another mental illness. Specifically, the presence of substance abuse, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder put those with depression at greater risk for suicide.

http://depts.washington.edu/mhreport/facts_suicide.php

 

I do not really journal, but I do occasionally write out what I am feeling. Lately it has been in letter format to a friend who started writing me funny notes two years ago that has turned into serious and honest dialogue. The following is something I wrote a while ago that did not make it into a letter. I don’t know why it did not make it into a letter (maybe because my friend already knows these things about me) but today I have decided to share it with whoever is reading this. I am sharing this to say that I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (and have been really struggling with both lately) and I want you to know that if you are feeling down that you are not alone. There are others like you who are struggling. But I still wake up every day and take my dog for a walk before heading off to work to care for the most fragile of human life.

 

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In my professional world, I take pride in honesty, integrity, and transparency. I do not believe in hiding failures as I believe acknowledging them is how we learn and grow. I believe in honoring the “good catches” so we can prevent the near misses in the future. I believe in publicly celebrating successes and giving credit to anyone and everyone who could have possibly participated. I look for that in my leadership and those I have the privilege of working with. Am I always good at this? Nope. Is it something I still work towards? Yup.

 

Transparency is not something I participate in in my personal life. To share or expose my weaknesses causes me more fear and anxiety than anything I have ever experienced. Fear of failing someone or something I care about has emotionally and mentally paralyzed me. To fail someone I care about…it is a fear and an emotion I cannot even find words to describe.

 

Those that know me, truly (try to) know me, know that there are walls upon walls to scale before getting anywhere near the true me. I have barricaded myself away from the real world for years. And while it may hurt/frustrate those who know me, it is killing me.
 

I am slowly dying inside. The emotional pain, fear of honest conversation, and self-inflicted isolation are brutal.

 

I cannot tell you why. I do not understand it myself. Things are rough right now.

 

Be patient, because there is nothing to do.

 

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