Work

Buddy Check 22

 

Every day, an average of twenty-two veterans and active duty service members take their own lives.

That is twenty-two too many.

While we should do this daily, I encourage you on the 22nd of every month to call and check your battle buddy. Military or not, we deserve to see each other tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

This is my new roommate rainBeau Jangles. He started his life in the Los Angeles area and was moved to the PNW to be adopted. A good friend (and by default her family) had been helping me look for a dog and found this guy for me. I am different around dogs. I feel safe to have or express some emotion. I am responsible for his care. It is my responsibility to make sure he feels loved and is a happy dog. Getting a dog was something I had thought about for about two and a half years, but it just never felt like the right time (does that even exist?). Once Beau was found and adopted, he had to wait for the 120 day rabies pseudo-quarantine (if he came to Hawaii right away he would live in a kennel and not get to play or he could stay on the mainland until the 120 days was up and be loved). He spent most of his time at a board and train facility south of Seattle that absolutely adored him. He learned what it is to have human friends and how to communicate with them. It turned out to be the best thing for him. I got to visit him and train with him on two separate trips (and got to spend time with friends at the same time, the best trips!).

He has only been in Hawaii with me for a short time, but I already know that he is the best thing that could have happened to me while living here. Welcome to Hawaii rainBeau Jangles! More importantly, welcome to my home!

 

 #twloha

#buddycheck22

 

Crisis Text Line 741-741

 - a safe place to talk via text with a counselor when you can't or are afraid to use your voice



Makapu'u Lighthouse

A super sunny afternoon (um, it's Hawaii), but a beautiful day for a hike. Michelle is in town and we met up with a friend and her dog for a walk up to the lighthouse. We did not go all the way up the hill as it was rather warm for the dogs, but a great day to be outside enjoying where we live.

Kailua Olomana

Two of the three peaks. A beautiful day for a hike with some great co-workers.

Made the Major's List

I will not actually be promoted for a while, but nice to know I made the list for the fiscal year!

Awesome Family

Every now and then I am reminded at work how lucky I am to have a great family. So great that when things get rough, I know they will rally together at a moment's notice to get business taken care of.

You Are a Being, Not a Burden

There are so many reasons to close yourself off to the world.

 

You don’t want people to worry. You want your space and privacy. You have an image to maintain. You don’t want to drag people down.

 

So you cover your heart with armor to keep everyone out.

 

You protect yourself.

 

You’re the fun girl. The laid-back girl. The girl with no story.

 

You float by on “I’m good, thanks” and smiles and always being a good time, dissolving into self-doubt and self-loathing as soon as you’re alone.

 

But eventually that armor can’t protect you any more.

 

It rusts thanks to the poison in your thoughts and the worries and fears coming from your head. You do anything to shut them out.

 

You destruct. You feel the heat across your skin. The growl and moan of an empty stomach. The numbness of an altered mind and the sickness the next day.

 

You pull yourself down into a place where your thoughts fight more viciously than they did before, where you think and feel too much, where you just want to be numb.

 

But there comes a time when you can’t fight alone anymore. You’ve got battle scars in different forms, and they sting all over. You can’t drown or burn those thoughts anymore.

There comes a time when you need to give an honest answer when faced with the question of “How are you?”

 

There comes a time:

 

When the words that have been caught at the edge of your tongue and at the tips of your fingers need to spill out.

 

When you need to free yourself from the armor crushing your heart.

 

When you need to recognize that your thoughts, your feelings, and your story all matter. That you matter.

 

You might think you aren’t hurting enough. That people are worse off than you, have fought themselves more, or have been through more. They’ve self-injured, slept, drunk, starved, tried to die. You might think your story isn’t significant enough when you compare it to those. Maybe, your brain suggests, you are just seeking attention.

 

There is no precision measurement for pain. You don’t have to reach a scale or number to be worthy of help or love. Everyone feels and copes and hurts differently. Never be afraid it’s not enough.

No matter where you are in your story or what it looks like, it means something. Your pain is important because it’s yours.

 

You need to teach yourself that your voice matters and that people want to listen.

 

When I opened up I realized that there were people who wanted to be let in. Who wanted to know who I was. They didn’t just want to know the laid-back girl with no story. They wanted to know the girl with dreams and fears and hopes and regrets and pain and love in her life.

 

You deserve to show the world the whole spectrum of your being – the light and the dark and everything in-between. Each shade of you should be illuminated. The more you try to hide or cover different shades of yourself, the more they fight against you.

 

And when, one day, you finally give an honest answer to that ominous question of “How are you?” you’ll find that sometimes you get a reply of “Hey, me too.”

 

Your story can help other people continue their stories. Yes, all pain is different. But there are things that we all share when the darkness comes and we feel hopeless. And it’s our similarities that can save us.

 

Your experiences of drowning out your thoughts can help someone else who is trying to do the same. After all, you understand the reasons why they’d want to forget those thoughts, regardless of which technique they choose.

 

We humans are made of stardust. It makes sense that we should constellate and come together with our shared experiences.

 

By telling your story, you stop the poison seeping in your mind. You free yourself from the rusting armor around your heart.

 

Saying the words “I’m not doing so great” doesn’t mean you’re a burden, or tiresome, or exhausting. It’s a part of being alive. Every emotion is. Joy. Hurt. Pain. Love. Hope. Fear. It’s all there to be felt, to be experienced.

 

You are a being. You are. You exist. You contribute. You breathe. You love. You fight. You hurt. You feel.

 

And because of all this, because you exist, you matter.

 

So let the world see the person with a story that deserves to be told.

 

Your pain isn’t a burden.

 

You are a being, not a burden.

 

 

By Shelley Queen

Originally posted 08OCT2015

https://twloha.com/blog/you-are-a-being-not-a-burden/