I Loathe September

One of the many reasons I dread the end of August and the entire month of September.

Social media is an easy avenue to narcissism. And I am not immune. I enjoy sharing pictures from fun adventures and shenanigans I participate in with my friends and family. As I have never been one to keep a written diary, this blog has allowed me to create a visual diary of my life from the time I joined the Army in 2006. Many posts are related to my job, but most are about my shenanigans.

Early on I made a conscious decision not to share the difficult aspects of my chosen career. I only wanted my friends and family to see and know the happy-go-lucky-kid they have known me to be. I don’t know if it was a sense of failure or shame, but there is so much I have kept from the people that care about me.

What I am going to attempt to share is just one small piece of a puzzle that I am still trying to put together. If this puzzle piece does not make sense to you now, I ask that you wait until I can build up enough courage to share more. Days, weeks, months…please continue to gift me with your patience as I attempt to understand these puzzle pieces before I share them. This post alone is a significant step for me to take.

September 10, three months after I returned home from my last deployment I was ordered to a Command Directed Mental Health Evaluation. I was escorted to a meeting with my Company Commander by my first line Chain of Concern in which I was informed that there was a concern that I would be unable to return to duty as I had been open about my struggles while deployed, since returning home, and while I was receiving treatment through the Behavioral Health Clinic. I was ordered for a fit-for-duty evaluation in which a psychologist would provide guidance to my Chain of Command regarding whether or not to medically separate me from the Army (on the extreme side).

Someday I hope to share that whole story, but not today. Instead, I will share with you a bit of what happened two years ago today and my lesson learned.

September 20, I reported at 0650 for a scheduled 0700 written test evaluation. Forty-five minutes later I was still sitting in the waiting room. For someone who has anger issues, it was tortuous as I sat, waited, and watched as another ten-minutes passed before I was taken to a room to complete a multiple choice scantron type test. At the conclusion of the test I again had to wait to be cleared to return to duty by a psychologist. A process I was told should only take forty-five minutes took two-hours.

At 1315 I was escorted to my formal 1330 evaluation. Upon check-in it was discovered that their paperwork was not in order creating a delay that involved my Company Commander, my acting Company Commander, my First Sergeant, and my Officer-In-Charge (OIC). As we worked to get the paperwork in order, my escort left to return to duty and I was left alone (a violation of policy). I can remember sitting in the parking lot in the warm September sun crying uncontrollably. I was afraid, lost, and alone. I hated that moment, those feelings.

After a phone call, my OIC met me in the parking lot and waited the final few minutes until I was called in for the appointment. The interview process should have taken approximately two hours, my process took four hours courtesy of the delay. At the close of the interview, I asked the Intern a few questions to discover unofficially the evaluation results. I left the meeting knowing I was in the clear from this process. I was again released to return to duty, to my own care.

My Chains of Command and Concern would not receive results for another three weeks.

There is so much more to this story that I wish I could share. However, I have chosen to not share names and specifics via social media as those individuals are not present to defend their actions.

What I remember most about that day, sitting and waiting for both appointments, was the feelings of abandonment and vulnerability. My future was in someone else’s control. There had been poor communication leading up to these appointments leading to frustrating confusion encompassing the entire process. I had never felt those emotions to that extreme before. It was terrifying.

Through this I learned to ask people how things are going when things aren’t looking so hot for them. I refuse to allow someone to feel anything close to what I did if I can help it. Because of this choice I have sat with friends and acquaintances sometimes talking, sometimes sitting in silence. Either way, I choose to learn from my pain.  

If you see someone who could use a shoulder, go talk to them. September is National Suicide Awareness Month. Take the time, it could save someone’s life.